I've been gone (i.e. getting my ass handed to me)

Oy vey. Where to start.... I just re-read my last post, which was almost 3 months ago. A lot can change in 3 months. <---understated

We had some inevitable and expected changes. For one thing, B's usual medicaid worker left us after 9 great months. No one is ever perfect, but she was damned near close. The holidays. Or as I now call them: days I used to love and I still try to make awesome only to be disappointed. Christmas is my favorite holiday; notwithstanding, the break and having the kids home was AWFUL. Like jump out a window bad. I could see all through November and December, it was building. B's anxiety, then the OCD, then the little bit more OCD. Next thing I know I see my sweet 10 year old daughter asking her autistic brother's permission to make a bagel FOR HERSELF. That was the proverbial straw. We were all tiptoeing around the 6 year old. The doors, the lights, the endless rituals, the tv hum, repeating the words "red circle button" over and over- I have no idea what that even means. This, alternating with ear-piercing screaming, basically is what my house was like for 2 weeks.

Did I try to go out? Yes. (Stop shaking your head, I had to try!) I thought maybe it would help. Maybe we just had bad cabin fever. The husband was home, we decided to try the mall: it was free, we could make a quick exit, it was indoor. The good news is that we are all still alive. The bad news is that there might have been some blood, definitely there were tears and sweat. B had several tantrums but saved the best one for the crowded food court. Who do we run into but our landlord, the one I've been trying to hide my crazy destructive hazardous child from. Ugh. Well the cat's out of that bag. Good thing we signed a two year lease.

I really could go on and on about break, but really the worst part was when we got a new medicaid worker, who by all accounts has loads of experience in the field, and after two days she quit saying she just could not handle his behavior, the screaming, the tantrums, etc.... On the one hand, I wanted to beg her to take me with her to the place where quitting is an option- by that point I was ready to quit. (I might have googled leaving an older child at a fire station, not because I was going to do this but I was curious whether or not it was an option.) On the other hand, I was highly annoyed. I mean, we are talking about a 6 year old who is maybe 45lbs dripping wet- get a grip! He has autism, stop taking it all personally. Easier said than done. Now we have virtually no help. So that's not good. <---- also understated.