Suck it up.

Well, the pity party is over. Grief comes in waves and right now things are pretty status quo. It's not that I'm enjoying having autism in my life. And I'm certainly not enjoying the tantrums, the therapy appts all over the metropolis, the seemingly-endless advocacy. But today, maybe just today, life is ok.

Sometimes I wonder if it's my attitude that is really the problem. After all, attitude is everything, attitude is the minds paintbrush, [insert your own cliche attitude quote right here]. I try to be optimistic. But it's difficult when you are faced with a situation where it is a given that the end will not be good. Or the end will not be what I wanted. And it's also difficult to feel positive when I witness such ugliness and discrimination toward my child with autism. If you want to get a sense of what I'm talking about, just bring my child to a mall, playground, or out to eat- you will be turning heads, receiving glares, and hearing parents whisper to their child "I am sooo glad you don't act like that."

On the flip side, maybe autism really does suck and it's not my attitude. Most parents I know with an autistic child, especially a child who tends toward the severe end, are hard pressed to find blessings in this mess of smeared poo. I'm not saying there are none, but just that there are extremely few. I often wonder if it's the autism that makes us jaded or what. In between the medical appts, the head-splitting tantrums, getting kicked punched and bitten, the paperwork, being pissed at the school for being shitty, the judgment from "the public", the worrying about the future... there is little time for thoughts of sunshine and rainbows and puppies.

But today I am just here. Everything is settled and calm. I just need an outsider to look in and tell me if I've changed or if things are truly better. This is the normal. Perhaps acceptance isn't too far away.